New Moon Edward's Pov of being alone
by futurewriter0123
Summary: This is how i think what Edward was thinking before the call from Rosalie and afterwards. I do not own Twilight and the url to rosalie's call on her webiste. NM extras.
1. Thoughts

_Go back. Just to see_… I smiled silently thinking what it would feel like when I went back. When I saw Bella again. Not a memory but something real. If I went back now maybe she would forgive me. Maybe she would want me back.

That was something I doubted would happen. Even if I went on my knees for the rest of eternity it would not work. Bella would never forgive me. She had no reason to and I knew that. What had I done to her but bring in pain, danger and horror into her life? Nothing. She would hate me if I went back now.

_She can't be happy without you. She loves you…_The silent voice in my head spoke soothing me.

I knew that was far from truth though. Right now Bella was happy. She had to be. She had to be enjoying the human life I had given her. She'd probably forgotten me and moved on like she was supposed to.

The thought of her in somebody else's arms caused my heart to ache. My fist clenched next to me as the unwelcome imaged popped in my head. I saw Bella holding hands with another human man. Her face glowing in a glorious smile while staring at whoever he was. I saw her happy and laughing. Her body movement showing she didn't remember me whatsoever.

"No." I whispered silently. What was worst than Bella being happy with someone else? Bella forgetting me. I knew she would eventually forget me and move on. How could she not? As much as I loved Bella, she didn't love me near as much. Her love for me was like a piece of dust compared to the sand on a beach. It was a small. Yet it had been everything. The reason why I'd stayed with her for that long. The reason that I smiled each and everyday with her. The reason why I'd left her.

If she hadn't fallen in love with me than I wouldn't have had to leave as soon. I would have been able to stay and watch her live her life being nothing but another student in her life.

Thinking of the other students in Forks made my fist slam hard against the floor remembering all the immature boys who had made a move on my Bella.

_She's not yours anymore_ The silent voice in my head that been trying to get me to go back to Forks reminded me. _But she can be again…just go back._

As much as I wanted to listen to that voice and go back, to be happy again. I couldn't. I'd promised. If anything else in the world I wanted to keep that promise. It was the one thing that I held on that was my last gift to Bella. I couldn't break it. Not to mention the act of going back would be selfish. I couldn't just go back and take away her happiness. What kind of monster was I?

_Edward_ Bella's silent voice whispered in my head like she was calling out for me to come back. It sounded so real. Just the small, made up portion of her voice touched my heart. To actually hear her voice again would be the greatest gift that anyone could give to me. Just to see her happy and enjoying herself.

Bella's smile was my smile. Her every smile was a gift to me. I'd wanted to be the reason for her every smile. The reason for her every laughter. That's what I lived to do. Love her. I guess I was giving her that in a way. By leaving, she was laughing and smiling. She could thank me for that now. I'd taken the demons I'd brought in her life, out. The danger I had brought in her life. I'd taken back with me.

"Damn Jasper." I mouthed. I didn't blame Jasper for what happened that night. I blamed myself for bringing Bella into that danger in the first place but if Jasper hadn't attack then maybe I wouldn't have been pushed into this decision. I wouldn't have had to leave so soon.

I closed my eyes and saw Bella's smiling face behind my eyelids as I always did. It was a welcoming smile. Calling me back.

Without Bella's love I was nothing and I knew that. I was nothing without her. I ran my hand through my hair and kept it there wanting the pain to disappear and instead having Bella with me. I wanted to see her scarlet red blush, to see her beautiful face and to have her lips on mine.

As much as my body craved for her mentally, physically it was just the same. My hands still twitched from not having her warm body around it and my lips felt dry. I wanted to feel Bella's soft lips against mine. The memories of our kiss came to my mind and I groaned.

If felt like I was dying. Like I was disappearing inch by inch. Part of me had been gone from the moment I left Bella. Now the other half was vanishing just as quickly. I wasn't the Edward I used to be. I was nothing. I made everything around me miserable nowadays.

That's why I couldn't be around my family. I couldn't allow them to see me like this. Not to mention it wouldn't help any of their lives if they went around the house watching their suffocating brother or son die slowly. It wouldn't help at all. I knew that my present soured the room. My last trip to visit hadn't been any different from the rest. I had gone back to visit, they had thought I changed and then they'd been pained to see me like that. I'd been worst than I was before I met Bella. Life had completely changed.

The memory of that summer stung. The smile on Bella's face had been stained to her face the whole summer. The couple of months at the end of my junior year with Bella. The best times of my life. Those memories would always hold that title as long as I live.

The voice in my head started to plead for me to go back again but I refused it this time with a bit more strength. That strength being encouraged by Bella's happiness because my pain was nothing compared to that. Her happiness was worth more than anything in the world.

I would just have to keep my promise. I would have to stay away from her. Let her live her life without fear or danger. She wouldn't have to worry about her every step every day. She could go on living her life without me…for now.


	2. Gone

This is after Rosalie's News on her website New Moon extras. .com/nm_

I wasn't sure why it hit me the way it did. Rosalie had warned me about Bella death. Maybe it wasn't the fact that I hadn't believed it fully or the fact that I hadn't seen this coming. It hit me like a Tornado would hit a human.

I lost sight of all things and I couldn't breathe. _Dead._ The word hung itself in my mind while I went repeated the boys words in my thoughts. Charlie was at the funeral. Bella's funeral.

_No!_ The voice screamed inside of me. My hands clutched the air around me not knowing what else to do. The pain that splashed through my chest right away was higher than the pain I'd felt a moment ago. The pain I'd felt for leaving Bella. That pain was nothing compared to now. Nothing.

Yet a moment ago I had thought it would have been the worst kind of pain on earth. The worst pain anyone could feel. I was had been dead wrong. Right now with my eyes wide open, my breath lost, my dead heart aching and my mouth hung open in pain, I could have been burning and I wouldn't have noticed because that pain would be nothing compared to this. The pain of my transformation was nothing compared to this.

_She's dead._ I thought in my mind. My Bella dead. The other half of my heart that had been trying to run back towards Bella died now too. I felt hollow.

_She's dead. She's dead._ The thought replayed itself in my mind while I tried to get around it. How can she be dead? Why would Bella drown herself? Why! How could she do this to me! Didn't she realize that her death would hurt me? If her tripping and hurting herself hurt me then her dying was my dying too.

"No!" I screamed. _No, no, no, no!_ This had to be some kind of joke! I begged that this was another one of Emmett's joke. That he somehow got Rosalie in on this. I wanted him to come out from the dim light now and say 'gotcha' or call on the phone that seemed to have fallen out my hand. _Please. _I begged to no one in particular.

I knew this wasn't a joke. I couldn't hear a thought around me that was laughing. This was real. Bella was dead. She was gone. Dead.

I was officially a dead man. Much more dead than I had been a moment ago. Every inch of me was gone now. Like an empty shell after left by a crab. Nothing.

The pain continued to take over my body and something else attacked. I suddenly felt angry. Angry towards the world. Towards Bella for doing this to me, towards Alice for not stopping her, towards Charlie for letting Bella do this to herself, towards my family for letting me leave in the first place and towards whoever was supposed to be watching over Bella.

As much as I hated to admit it, I knew those people weren't where the blamed belonged. I had just wanted something crush for hurting Bella. I couldn't hurt my family and I didn't want to hurt Charlie either. The real blame belonged where I was. It had been my fault in the first place Bella had jumped. I shouldn't have left. I had never thought it would lead to this. Her death. My death.

Bella's face that always seemed to smile behind my eyelids disappeared. I struggled to bring the air back down my throat. It felt like the humid air had turned to a point where it wasn't healthy to breath. What was the point of breathing anymore if your reason for staying on this planet left? I couldn't see the point. I couldn't see anything anymore. Seemed to me like the world had frozen.

My reason for existence had disappeared. The voice that had been trying to get me to go back to Forks and be with Bella hadn't given up yet.

_Follow her, _It decided. Follow her? The thought of Bella out of this world was painful enough. Knowing that I would be separated from her forever was another thing. I couldn't be with her wherever she was now. I wouldn't get to see her shinning eyes and her glorious smile ever again. _Ever_.

"No." I cried out again. If I could send out tears they'd be everywhere. Everywhere. Bella was dead. My Bella.

"Please. No." I whispered to nothing. The creatures around me seemed to realize that my body was craving for something to hurt for what Bella did to herself and most of them started to move further away from me. Every part of my mind was focused on one thing. Bella's death.

I didn't need Alice's talent to see that surely a funeral would be thrown for Bella. I also didn't need her to have a vision to picture Bella's beautiful, dead, cold body in the casket decorated with flowers around it. Her soft, beautiful skin would surely match my skin temperature. The difference between our bodies would be major though. She couldn't breath anymore, she couldn't live, her eyes wouldn't be flashing a velvet red color. It would no longer have the depth of the muddy brown eyes they seemed to have held for me. She wouldn't really even be there. She couldn't be my Bella again. It'd just be a body. Nothing more.

A body I loved. I body I still loved. I couldn't be there. I couldn't handle seeing her body cold like that. Surely I would break out in the middle of everything.

The pain hit again stronger this time. _Follow her._ The same voice before repeated. I knew right away what it meant this time. If I couldn't be with Bella now, I might as well not even be on earth. Protecting her was my only reason to stay alive besides loving her and now that she's gone…what was the point? I failed miserably on protecting her.

I knew killing myself would get me nowhere near Bella but to get rid of the pain that was covering me now was a different matter. It was a pain much bigger than me. I wanted it off me.

Maybe there would be a chance for me to be with Bella. I had to try didn't I? If I didn't make it than I didn't care. Just knowing that Bella wasn't on this planet anymore was enough. If she wouldn't be here than I wouldn't be here.

_Yeah. That's it._ The voice encouraged in my head. A suicide mission would surely not be easy. I knew the easiest way to have it done would be to go to my family and ask them to kill me. That would be the easiest way if they were _willing _to kill me. Emmett was always willing to fight me but killing me would be another thing. The love we seemed to have felt for each other wasn't something that could disappear like that. Even if I begged it wouldn't help. They'd tried to get me out of this instead of just killing me. They would be no help.

At least I knew that thing. I had to think of something else. Quickly too. I wanted to die in a short amount of time. I had to think of something else.

I couldn't just go and get random vampires kill me either. That would take some time and provoking. I didn't have time for that. I wanted my death to be fast and quick to get away from this planet as soon as possible.

The thought of the Volturi came in my mind right away. I remember that thought from a while ago when I had to go and rescue Bella from James. Back then the pain had been nothing compared to this. Though as much as I loved her back than, I believe that, that love has grown in a wide way. The love I had for her was the greatest love on earth. She may not have returned that same love but that didn't stop the love from growing. It grew in numerous ways after I had chosen to leave. So had the pain.

I wasn't sure if Aro would kill me right away. Maybe if I asked in a way that would show I didn't want to be here anymore. On this planet. That I would surely just cause more damage, wouldn't he want to get rid of me?

That was it. I got up slowly, every movement reminding me of Bella. I grabbed the phone off the ground deciding it wouldn't help anyone if I left it there. Saying goodbye to my family would give everything away. Alice might see this coming but she couldn't have seen it more than a while ago when I had chosen to make that decision. If she was in Fork than wouldn't she have to run back to where ever the rest of my family was right now? She had to know she couldn't stop me alone. I knew my death would hurt them but now they could get on with their lives. This was the end of me. The end of Edward Cullen. _Forever._


End file.
